Feeling Too Much or Not Enough In Your Relationship? Understanding These Patterns (Plus How Therapy Intensives Can Change Them)

“You’re too much.”
“You’re so cold.”
“I never know what you’re thinking.”
“You’re so emotional.”

If you’ve lived through painful relationships, betrayal, attachment wounds, or repeated unhealthy dynamics, chances are you’ve heard some of these phrases—or thought them about your partner.

Even in relationships that are, on the whole, safe and healthy, these patterns can surface. You might feel that your partner struggles to connect with or support you, or maybe you’re the one holding your partner’s emotional baggage and thinking, “Why can’t they just open up?”

Relational pain doesn’t end once the relationship or situation is over. The impact lingers, sometimes for years, shaping the way we believe it is safest to connect—or disconnect—in love, friendship, and family. When these wounds happen earlier in life, they can feel especially entrenched, carrying into adulthood in the form of patterns we didn’t choose but learned to survive.

Often, these patterns show up as either being “too much”—reactive, emotional, longing deeply for connection—or “not enough”—distant, reserved, holding back big parts of yourself. Let’s explore both sides with a trauma-informed lens and consider what healing can look like.

Feeling “Too Much”

First, let’s reframe: there is nothing inherently wrong with feeling deeply. Sensitivity and empathy are not flaws—they are signs of being human. But when your nervous system has been shaped by relational trauma, the volume of your emotions can feel overwhelming to you or to others.

Ask yourself: Are my emotions overwhelming to me, or am I in relationships that don’t make space for my full self?

Some reasons “too much” might show up include:

• Escalation as survival. If your needs were ignored or dismissed in the past, you may have learned that raising the intensity was the only way to be seen.

• Poor boundaries shaped by past relationships. If you were expected to mind-read and stay attuned to caregivers or partners, your own emotional state may now be overly tied to others.

• Protective parts on high alert. Acute trauma can leave you with internal protectors who jump in quickly, ready to defend at the first sign of danger.

• A nervous system in survival mode. Years of stress and dysregulation train the body to swing between high highs and low lows. Your body communicates loudly when it’s been trained to expect threat.

In healthy relationships, this can make communication difficult—conflict escalates quickly, both partners feel flooded, and the cycle of intense moments leaves less room for warmth, ease, and connection.

Feeling “Too Little”

On the other hand, some people find themselves labeled as cold, distant, or detached. Again, let’s pause here: there is nothing inherently wrong with being calm, reserved, or private. Personality, cultural background, and temperament all shape how we show emotion.

The challenge comes when you want to connect more, but feel like you can’t. Like you’ve hit an invisible wall.

This can happen when:

• Early sensitivity was shamed. If you were scolded for being “too emotional,” you may have learned to shut feelings down.

• Vulnerability was betrayed. Many people learn to withhold after having their openness used against them—whether through abandonment, betrayal, or rejection during times of struggle.

• Overwhelm led to shutdown. Sometimes the nervous system’s response to chronic stress is not reactivity, but numbing. The body learns to mute sensations and emotions just to keep functioning.

While this strategy may have been necessary at one time, it can now leave you feeling disconnected from yourself and others.

What You Can Do

Healing from “too much” or “not enough” begins with compassion for the ways your body and nervous system protected you. These patterns aren’t character flaws; they are survival strategies.

Here are some starting points:

• Identify the pattern. Ask yourself: is this showing up in just one relationship, or across many? How long has it been happening?

• Define who you want to be. Instead of focusing only on what you don’t want, clarify how you’d like to show up in your relationships.

• Honor your survival strategies. Extend gratitude to the parts of you that helped you get through painful moments.

• Tune into your body. Notice what happens physically when you escalate or shut down. Reflect later if in-the-moment awareness feels too hard.

• Name your needs. Create a list of what helps you feel soothed, safe, and able to stay engaged.

• Share with your partner. Talk about what you’re working on, who you want to become, and ask for their support in that process.

• Build self-trust. Keep promises to yourself, practice nurturing self-talk, and use regular somatic practices to support nervous system regulation.

• Seek deeper healing. Sometimes these patterns are sticky because they’re rooted in unprocessed trauma. Couples therapy intensives or individual therapy intensives can offer focused time to reprocess past pain and shift entrenched dynamics.

Moving Forward

You are not “too much.” You are not “not enough.” You are a whole person carrying the weight of what you’ve lived through—and you deserve relationships that feel safe, supportive, and nourishing.

If you’re ready to move beyond these old patterns and create new ways of relating, I offer couples therapy intensives and individual therapy intensives where we can focus deeply and intentionally on the wounds that most need healing. Together, we’ll create space for you to reconnect with yourself and your partner in lasting ways.

👉 Schedule a consultation today to take the next step in your healing journey.