How to Recognize Emotional Safety (or the Lack of It) in a Relationship and How A Couples Therapy Intensive Can Help

As a therapist specializing in somatic therapy, I often remind clients that relationships are not only built on love or attraction — they’re built on emotional safety. Without it, it’s difficult to feel fully seen, supported, and connected.

Emotional safety is something we can feel in our minds and bodies. It’s the sense that we can show up authentically, knowing we’ll be met with care even when things get tough. On the other hand, the lack of emotional safety often leaves us feeling tense, guarded, or unsettled.

It’s also important to note: sometimes our nervous systems react strongly not just because of what’s happening in the present relationship, but because of unresolved trauma or baggage from past relationships. When this happens, our bodies may interpret old wounds as if they’re happening again in the here-and-now. We’ll explore how to tell the difference later, but first, let’s look at the signs.

6 Signs of Emotional Safety

1. Physical comfort and ease
   When you feel emotionally safe with someone, your body tends to relax. You may breathe more easily, your shoulders soften, and you feel comfortable being physically close.
   Somatic signal: calm energy, steady heartbeat, a sense of “settling.”

2. Deep knowledge of one another
   Emotional safety fosters curiosity and understanding. You know each other’s values, histories, and triggers, and you keep learning more over time.
   Somatic signal: warmth and openness in the chest, relaxed eye contact.

3. Open sharing
   You can share your feelings, hopes, and fears without fear of judgment or retaliation. Even vulnerability feels possible because trust is present.
   Somatic signal: steady breath, ability to stay present while speaking difficult truths.

4. Commitment to enhancing one another’s lives
   Even in moments of conflict, both partners want what’s best for the other. Disagreements are approached with the mindset of growth, not winning.
   Somatic signal: less constriction in the body during disagreements, more energy for repair afterwards.

5. An ability to co-regulate
   When one person is stressed, the other can help calm the storm. This might look like soothing words, gentle touch, or simply staying grounded together until the nervous system resets.
   Somatic signal: stress eases more quickly when you’re with your partner.

6. Repair after rupture
   Emotional safety isn’t about never arguing. It’s about being able to come back together after conflict, learning from it, and rebuilding connection.
   Somatic signal: relief, deeper sense of closeness after making up.

6 Signs of a Lack of Emotional Safety

1. Physical tension and discomfort
   Instead of relaxing, your body stays tight and on guard around your partner. You might notice shallow breathing, stomach knots, or feeling “on edge.”

2. Superficial or incomplete knowledge of one another
   You may feel like your partner doesn’t truly know you — or that you don’t really know them. Important parts of yourself stay hidden.

3. Closed or cautious sharing
   Vulnerability feels risky. You might avoid expressing your needs or fears because you expect criticism, judgment, or dismissal.

4. Focus on winning rather than enhancing life together
   Conflicts turn into battles. The goal feels like proving you’re right or protecting yourself, rather than working through issues as a team.

5. Difficulty co-regulating
   Instead of calming each other, you may amplify one another’s stress. Attempts at soothing fall flat or make things worse.

6. Unresolved ruptures
   Arguments or hurt feelings linger. There may be avoidance, withdrawal, or ongoing tension instead of repair and reconnection.

Present Relationship or Past Baggage?

Strong somatic responses — like anxiety, tightness, or heaviness in your body — can sometimes point to a real lack of safety in the current relationship. Other times, they’re echoes of past trauma or past relationships. It’s not always easy to tell the difference.

Here are some questions to reflect on:

• Does my body respond this way across different relationships, or mainly in this one?

• When my partner does something small, does it feel “bigger” than the situation itself?

• Do I have old memories or past experiences that feel connected to my current reaction?

• Is my partner willing to repair, listen, and grow — or do the same patterns of dismissal and lack of care repeat over time?

If your reactions are mainly rooted in past wounds, healing those patterns through therapy can give you more choice in the present. If your body is telling you the current relationship feels unsafe, it’s important to listen closely and consider what you need to feel secure.

Moving Toward Safety

Emotional safety doesn’t mean perfection. It means creating a relationship where both partners can bring their full selves — body, mind, and heart — and know they’ll be met with respect and care. Somatic therapy can help you tune into your body’s signals, discern where reactions come from, and build more capacity for safety and connection.

Couples therapy intensives can be especially powerful for building emotional safety. By dedicating focused time together, you and your partner can step away from daily stressors, address patterns in real-time, and practice new ways of relating in a supportive space. Intensives allow couples to deepen trust, learn to co-regulate, and create the kind of foundation that makes both people feel safe, seen, and cared for.

✨ If you and your partner are ready to explore how an intensive could help you build more emotional safety in your relationship, I invite you to schedule a consultation.