How do I heal from grief that just keeps lasting? Why does grief hurt so much?
I can’t think of a human experience that is as painful and universal and grief. We all experience it and yet is hurts so much that it feels like it can’t be right, it can’t be natural, and there must be some key to healing you are missing when you are going through it. As a licensed therapist, I have had so many clients come into my office believing they are not grieving correctly because the grief is lasting and it hurts so much. So let’s start there.
Why does grief hurt so much?
Attachment is an incredibly strong force. The bond of love and connection is so strong that when it is either broken or transformed by death, divorce, loss, a move etc. it is like a nuclear reaction.
Your assumptive world gets broken. We all walk around with so many assumptions every day and we need to in order to function. We assume the sky will be above us, the ground below us, the chair we are sitting in will hold us up, water will be wet, and the people and places that are a vital part of our life will be there. When that turns out not to be the case it turns our whole world upside down.
Grief often leaves unfinished business. There are words we never got to speak, things we wished were different that never got to change, wounds that never got to heal, and experiences we anticipated or expected that will not happen.
Grief turns all the sweet in life bittersweet (or just bitter, for a time). Even happy and pleasant moments or neutral moments become a reminder of loss.
How long is it normal to grieve?
I know you want a clearer answer right now but there isn’t one. Grief lasts a lifetime. Grief gets intense in moments and then less intense. Grief can feel like noting and slowly build. There are as many ways to grieve as there are individual nervous systems, hearts, and minds. But there is something comforting. Grief does get easier to live with over time if you allow yourself to process it, explore it, and make peace with it. You will not always feel the way you feel in your most intense moments of grieving. If you find that you are feeling stuck, you are in the same amount of pain month after month, and nothing is feeling lighter then that is a sign you might need support in exploring, confronting, and making peace with grief.
What do I do if I have been grieving for years and I am stuck?
Get support! That is the best guidance I can give you. If you could get unstuck by yourself you would have done it by now.
Go to a support group. Going to a group is so vulnerable and scary but they can be incredibly helpful. It is a place to explore grief in the safety of a guided environment with people who understand you. Some people attend a group within months of loss and some people do so years later. If you are in the Los Angeles Area or open to virtual groups in California check out griefgroupsla.com. If you are in another area, look up groups near you!
Check out the Grief Recovery Method Handbook. It provides you with practical tools and guidance that (ideally) you engage with along with a partner. It is action-based and walks you through activities to help you engage with grief.
Consider individual therapy. Therapy can both help with processing grief, the way it accumulates throughout your life, and even the trauma that can be connected with grief in an emotionally supportive and non-judgmental environment.
Somatic Therapy and EMDR for Grief in Sacramento, CA and Los Angeles, CA and Virtually Throughout California
Clarity and Compassion Counseling provides holistic therapy for grief in-person in Sacramento, CA and virtually throughout California. We use EMDR, parts work, Acceptance and Commitment therapy, and more to help you explore your grief with compassion and build the patterns you need to engage in your life again.
Click here to schedule a consultation with one of our therapists!
