Why You're Triggered by Your Partner (and It’s Not Just About Them)

Let’s get honest for a second: sometimes your relationship with your partner can have you doubting your sanity. One minute you're cuddled up watching Netflix, and the next you're snapping, withdrawing, or spiraling in ways that feel way bigger than the situation at hand. Maybe it was just a comment, a sigh, or a glance—but suddenly you're in it. Sound familiar?

Here's the thing: being triggered by your partner doesn't mean there's something wrong with you—or with them. In fact, it's often a sign that something old is being touched in you, something that's been living under the surface for a long time. Intimate relationships have a unique way of poking at the parts of us that haven’t fully healed yet. And that’s not a flaw. That’s human.

Why Your Partner Triggers You

When we're in a close, emotionally vulnerable relationship—especially one that involves living together, raising kids, or sharing a life—we’re not just dealing with present-day conflicts. We’re also bumping up against old patterns, attachment wounds, and nervous system responses that were wired into us long before we met our current partner.

Think of your nervous system like a smoke alarm. If you've lived through emotionally intense or inconsistent experiences—say, childhood neglect, abandonment, or even just feeling like love had to be earned—your internal alarm might get tripped more easily. So when your partner pulls away, criticizes, or seems emotionally unavailable, that alarm might go off with the intensity of someone who's facing a five-alarm fire… even if it's just a burnt piece of toast.

This is especially true for people with unhealed attachment wounds. Maybe you had a caregiver who wasn’t emotionally available, or one who was unpredictable—safe one day, unsafe the next. As adults, we carry these early relational templates into our closest bonds. And since our romantic partners occupy similar emotional real estate to those early caregivers, guess what? They’re the most likely to stir up that old, unresolved stuff.

It’s Not Just You—and It’s Not Just Them

The beautiful (and maddening) truth is that no matter how emotionally intelligent you are, no matter how much therapy you’ve done, your intimate relationship will eventually hit those nerve endings. That doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means you're human, and you're in something real.

It also doesn’t mean your partner is responsible for “fixing” what’s coming up for you. But it does mean that the relationship can become a space where healing can happen—if both people are willing to look inward as much as they look at each other.

So What Do You Do With All This?

This is where therapy comes in—not because you’re broken, but because unpacking this stuff in a safe, structured space is really hard to do alone.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is one powerful approach that helps people process and release old traumatic material that’s still stuck in the nervous system. If certain dynamics with your partner seem to flood you with emotion that feels out of proportion—or almost automatic—EMDR can help desensitize those triggers and rewire the underlying beliefs (“I’m not safe,” “I’m going to be abandoned,” “I’m not good enough”) that keep the cycle going.

Couples therapy can also be transformative—especially if it’s focused on attachment and those somatic responses like the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy. I have found this type of therapy can help help you and your partner slow down the cycle, understand what’s really going on underneath the surface, and build a safer emotional connection. You learn how to see each other not as the enemy, but as wounded allies trying to love each other the best you can.

Final Thoughts

If you find yourself triggered in your relationship, you're not crazy, broken, or overly sensitive. You're a person whose deepest wiring is being touched by someone you care about. And while it can feel overwhelming, it's also a powerful opportunity for healing.

Because sometimes the place where we get most triggered... is also the place where we get to heal the most.

Have you noticed certain triggers in your relationship that seem to echo something from earlier in life?

If you are interested in couples therapy, EMDR, somatic therapy or intensives sign up for a consultation and let’s explore what might work for you!